25-8-08 The Aftermath
So it has been 11 days since I had to have the D&C. Everything was going pretty good. I had bleeding and cramping for about 3 days then I was fine... except then my breasts became engorged and I stated lactating. Finally my boobs aren’t killing me but I am still lactating. Yesterday Brian and I were at a monster truck show and I went to the ladies room and to my surprise I found a huge gush of bright red. We spent over 3 hours in the ER. They did a pelvic exam and put an IV in me to get me rehydrated. They did both a transabdominal and transvaginal ultrasound. There is clearly blood in my uterus... left over from the D&C... infection... we have no idea. They are having me go back tomorrow to check if my HCG levels are still dropping. As of yesterday the levels were at around 400. Let’s just hope that tomorrow they are still dropping. They also gave me crazy antibiotics and something to make my uterus cramp down and release the blood faster.
I hope this only lasts a couple of days. I would really like to just put this all behind me and move on but it seems that I keep hitting these speed bumps and detours.
18-10-08 BFN
I am 3 days late for my AF. I could not help myself and so I tested this morning. We are back to getting the BFN's... For 2 years Brian and I tried for our first child... two years of me taking a test every month just so I could know for sure. When I finally did get that BFP I was so overcome with joy. Finally I would get what we had wanted for so long. I was so happy and thankful for it every day. I had never been more happy in my whole life. I have always had problems with depression and as soon as I got that BFP it was completely wiped away and I felt so weightless. I keep replaying the scene at my first doctor’s appointment when she said the baby was only 8 weeks instead of 12 and she couldn’t find the heartbeat. I was just confused when she first sat us down in her office to explain. And once we made it to the car I was completely inconsolable. We went back to my mothers house and her first words were “let me see the pictures” and my husband had to tell her what the doctor had told us. I did not leave my bedroom for nearly a week. I just remember hugging my mom and asking God to please not take him. Please don’t let him be gone. It was all so surreal until I woke up in the hospital bed from my surgery where I sobbed for 2 hours straight.
Today is my husband and I's 6 year anniversary. I wish I could be happy to just have him and leave it at that but I am so down. I just want to be able to smile for him and I cant because I am still so hurt. I was really hoping that getting a BFP would help me to smile for once. I am devastated to be back to the continuous strain of BFN's every time I am a little late
06-11-08 BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!
As recommended by my chiropractor I decided to test this morning and I completely melted when I saw the extra line! I thought at first maybe I was just seeing things but then it became darked and darker. I sobbed and thanked God for a good half an hour. I made it to work late because of all the excitement. I then left work early so I could see the doctor. I didnt have an appointment and I had tried to call a billion times and never got a hold of a human so I just went over there. I ended up getting really discouraged because the woman who I talked to was such a bitch! I told her I wanted to see a doctor as soon as possible, I explained my past and then I asked to have a quantative HCG done so I know what my numbers are starting out. I want to know that they are going up. First she said no to everything. Then I cried and told her how hard of a time I had with their facilities last time and that I dont want to lose another baby because they "see so many women everyday". I have an appointment tomorrow to do an ultrasound to make sure there is something in there and make sure everything looks ok. I did give my blood for the HCG test and will have the results tomorrow. I am so nervous and I keep thinking that this must be a dream. Please God let this one be ok. Please dont take another one from me!
Wish me luck ladies!
30-11-08 Another Update
OK so I figured I would get in another blog/ update. I lost our second baby on the 8th of November... I bled from Saturday until the following Friday. My husband was out to sea at the time but his boat pulled in and he flew home to be with me. I went back to work the Wednesday after it happened. I was afraid that if I didnt just get back out there that I never would. This time was not as bad as last time though it was extreamly hard for me to watch as I passed my baby. I guess it was just easy for me to have a D&C and for it to be done and over with. Brian didnt get back until the Thursday afterward and so I had pretty much almost been finished with bleeding and had already been back to work. It was nice having him home with me but I am kinda glad that he was not here for the first few days of it because I really just wanted to be alone... to lick my wounds in peace so to say.
Anyway, lately I have been having the feeling that I am preggo again... I have had tender boobs and have had to pee 3 or 4 times in the night. I dont know if it is because I am pregnant again already or if I am just being paranoid. I have a doctors appointment on the 8th to try and convince them to test me and find out why I keep losing babies. The Naval hospital says I have to lose 5 before they will test but I am not going to lose 3 more children. These are my babies... and I will never know who they would have been or what they would have done with their lives. I cant let that happen to 3 more!
27-12-08 starting over again
Ok Ladies,
So I am on my second cycle after my second m/c. I dont know which was worse... the D&C where it is just over, there is no closure. Or having to watch my "little human" come out of me in pieces. I have had to go through both scenarios now... and I just dont know which is worse. Brian was away this last time and on one hand I was sad to be with out him, he is my support and it is hard just getting a hair cut with out him. But on the other hand I am glad that he was not here to see me go through all of this... not going to lie... I kinda lost my mind this last time. They say you should save "it" to have testing done... I saved what I could but I never got testing... I just kinda took a few minutes to talk to "it" and say good bye I guess. Thats why went back to work so soon after... I knew that if I had waited too long that I would not have been able to get back to the real world. Brian's boat dropped him off on some island in the Bahamas and told him to fly home. He came home about 6 days after I lost the second baby. So here I am now recovered... physically and mostly emotionally. I mostly just put it out of my mind. I have kind of taken the whole Lords prayer philosophy "accept things I can not change". Am I angry, sad and horrified at the events that have taken place over the last 5 months.... Absolutely, but I can not change what happened and from what most the doctors say, I will never know why.
So the last baby was lost 8 Nov. and my first AF after that was 12 Dec. So now according to that date and my average 30 day cycle I should be ovulating tomorrow. Maybe I am crazy but I think I can actually feel myself ovulating. There is a slight tension on either sides of my lower abdomin... about an inch inward from my hip bones. I am really hoping to get pregnant really qickly like last time (D&C 14 Aug. then AF 15 Sept. and preggo right from there 8 Nov natural M/C). Hubby is home until 5 Jan. then he leaves again and comes back close to the end of the month. SO at least he is here for "peak" season. I have a doctor appointment 21 Jan which is also my 21st Birthday. I dont think anything will come of it. It seems that everytime I go to the doctor I get the run around.... I know why I am there but they never know why I am there and so we spend most of the time trying to convince the doctor what needs to happen or why I am there. I had my blood taken at my last dr appointment on 8 Dec for Lieden Factor V. I still dont know the results. I think I might call the tomorrow and see if they know yet. Though the last time I called they said they would call me.... I am impatient and dont want to wait to know!
Anyway I am feeling pretty neutral.... hubby and I are just kinda relaxing and not worrying about much these days though I know that once he leaves and we get closer to the "test date" I will go back to being my super paranoid and impatient girl. Good luck to you all and lots of baby dust!
02-1-09 being emotional
Ok so I go through times where I am perfectly fine and then days where everything seems to be going wrong. I really hate to do it but it seems that all of my crappy days somehow get underlyingly blammed on losing the babies... I spilled juice because I lost the babies, I cant seem to do something right because I lost the babies. I go through the days where I feel like everythign is just wrong. I try so hard to be brave and strong but then there are days wher I just melt. I want my babies back so bad! I know that it seems irrational. Just because I miscarried does not mean that I am doomed to a life of mistakes and unhappy endings but sometimes I feel so hopeless. There are times when I am happy for the pregnant people in the world but I am mostly only happy if people like "us" are pregnant. By "us" I guess I mean the women who are in my situation. It angers me to see the other women pregnant. I saw another boat wife who found out she was preggo when I first found out back in June. She has this big belly and was bragging and I just wanted to punch her. I really just wanted to punch her... how can she have what was taken from me? I just dont understand it. What did I do wrong? What did she do right? She already has a little girl... why cant people like me who dont have babies already get them. I just dont understand. I want answers to questiosn that will never have answers. There is no one who can answer my questions. I just want to go back in time and start over... why cant I start over. I want to fix this but I cant. I just want this to be a dream.... make this not be real.... I want the old me back... not this half happy half angry/sad person. This is not who I am. I want to have my normal feelings back and I fear that I will never get that back.
14-1-09 bfn 2
Ok so I was going to try and wait longer to retest but I am such a POAS-aholic and DH bought me some more tests and they were just staring me in the face... tested this past Saturday (what would have been 1 day before I was due for AF if I have a 30 day cycle) And now I have tested on this lovely freezing cold Wednesday morning. I hate these stupid digital tests too.... There isnt really a way you can trick yourself and say "Hey I think I see the other line just ever so slightly" Nope instead in big ugly letters it says perfectly clear, "N-O-T P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T" I wonder if maybe at firsts the test makers thought "hey we should make it go in big flashing red lights!" but then it was too expensive. I am still paranoid to go to the gym or start on a diet for fear that I might be preggo and its just not showing yet... I mean after all last time I got BFN's 5 days after AF was due and then in the next month a BFP.... and DH hadnt been home since 22 Oct.
Ugh... I just want this to happen so I can finally hold my little human! I will test again on 20 Jan if I still have no AF. I have a dr appointment on the 21st so it would be nice to know either way before then. Anyway thanks for reading!
15-1-09 what the hell
Hello my name is Nichole and I am a pee-on-a-stick-aholic. Having said that the other day I had to buy the stupid digital tests because thats all the store had. Got my Big Fat "NOT PREGNANT" in the morning. Well after coming home from work and reading a bit on the forum I decide "hey why not break open the test to check the lines".... What do you know there is an extra super super faint line. DH and I run to the store for dinner and such and pick up a 2 pack first responce. I took the other digital one last night to see if the line was still faintly there and yes. Afterward I though I should have opened the test first to see if maybe there is always an extra super super faint line... But anyway cant rewind time. So I take my first responce this morning and what a surprise its a BFN.... Ugh! Today I have to go to the dr office to get my prenatal prescription filled again and I think I will try to get them to do a beta on me but I doubt that they will. If they dont and I still have no AF I will test again on Monday or something. I still have my appointment for the 21st and I would like to know if I am preggo before then so I can make them do all the testing that day. I also want to know because that is my 21st birthday and if I am not pregnant I am going to be drowing my sorrows in a ton of Tequilla! I dont really remember with my last time if I felt like AF was coming or not but right now and for the last couple days I have felt some cramping in my low low abs. My boobs feel huge but that could also be attributed to my big fat gut and thunder thighs! And I have also been breaking out.. not entirely more than usual but enough to get annoyed over.
Anywho I am rambling, off to work for me... I am really hoping there is less poop today than there was yesterday! Baby Dust to All!
16-1-09 even bigger what the hell
So Yesterday after completely losing all hope after my morning BFN with an early responce I went to work and then to the dr to get my prescription. They did not want to do a beta test to check my levels but did do a blood serum test to check if yes or no. So after waiting what seemed like an eternity.... the girl at the lab says she is sorry it took so long because she is not sure what to rule it as. There are two lines but the one is so faint that we are not sure. "We can neither rule out pregnancy or confirm, come back and retest in 48 hours". I FREAK OUT!!!! I gave up and had accepted it and now this! I tell DH who just laughs at my rediculous behavior and tells me I am crazy and just be happy. So this mornign I decide to take my last HPT and what do you know... there are two freaking lines! One is definatly lighter than the other but seriously.... There are two freaking lines! I think I am preggo again! SO I get dressed and let the dogs out, make breakfast and then head off to work. "rrrrrr-put" "rrrrr-put" OMG Car will not start. I cant just call out because I open the school in the mornings. Thanks alot! I finally get my BFP and I have to ride my big in 10degree weather the mile and a half to work at 6 am! Thanks alot who ever s listening up there!
So I have this appointment on next Wednesday that was supposed to be for testing to find out why I keep losing babies but I guess now it will be to check on my new little human. So so far there have really been no major signs though it is super early. Boobs have been bigger and I have been starving and tired all day but thats about it. I am kinda nervous though because for a while I have had cramping.... nothing too crazy, it just feels like a few days before AF is due. Wish me luck and I hope I have bfp buddies soon!
21-1-09 first appt
So today was the first official appointment of Pregnancy #3. I made this appointment as a referal from my Primary dr to the OB clinic on base to see a specialist back in December before getting pregnant again. So how perfect for my first appointment with this baby... to actually see a human who knows how to talk to women like me and knows what needs to be done. I hated talking to other doctors who cocked their head to the side with that dumb blonde wonderment stare! Even the girl who did the blood preasure and all has been through what I have. There were two doctors. The first one seemed to maybe be in training for the other drs position. He came in and asked me to completely explain in detail my history starting with when we started trying. Then he went to get the other dr. We went through most of the story with him too and he asked what I hoped to get out of the appointment today and what I would like done as far as treatment and all. So thinking that it would really be the only thing he would go for I told him I wanted my progesterone levels checked and I wanted to monitor my HCG levels. So to my surprise he says he does not want to monitor the early pregnancy with numbers because they can be unreliable. Instead he would rather do an ultrasound once a week or so to see how it looks in there. My jaw nearly dropped to the ground.... I am sorry did he said ultrasounds once a week? I will get to litterally watch my baby growing once a week? OK!!!!!! So we did the first ultrasound today and only saw a small speck in the uterus. Looks like I am about 2-4 weeks or so. So he decided to do the HCG and go from there. I gave my blood and went to work. He called about 3 hours later and said the levels were at 480. Which was right where he expected them to be. I will be going to the clinic again on Friday to see what the numbers are this time and hopefully they will be around 800 or so. He said that we will keep checking the numbers until we get into the 2,000 range and then we will start the ultrasounds. I have been left with a very calming relaxing sense of "everything will be ok". I am still a littler nervous but at the same time I am excited that an actual specialist will be monitoring this pregnancy very closely. He says in a few weeks we will be seeing a heart beat! I can not wait for that day! I have yet to hear any of my little human's heart beat and I will probably lose my mind that day!
26-1-09 feeling kinda crappy
Ok, so I am not covered in hives like my little smiley guy but I have been feeling so yucky since Saturday. I woke up saturday and it hit me so hard! I got a fever of 101.6... not too bad but I took two tylenol. Sunday I still felt sick but not as bad and my temp only got up to 100.4. Today I am still achey and my sinuses are stuffed but its not too bad. I think I will see the chiropractor this afternoon. I called the doctor today to see if he wanted me to do more blood work and he said no. The rise that the numbers took just between wednesday and friday leads him to believe that everything should be going along just fine and he wants me to go in on the 2nd of Feb for another ultrasound. I think I should be around 6 weeks or so by then. So I guess until then I will be trying to take it easy... even though my work is making that very hard on me.
Nothing like a typical Monday morning for me at the day care! I feel like I work with assholes and my boss is just an idiot! Everyday I am there at 6:45am getting the room ready for the soon to arrive 16 infants. By 7:15 or so another girl comes in and by then we have about 8 or 10 babies. Ratio is 1:4 and the Lead Teacher is supposed to come in at 8 but because she goes through a tunnel and rides public transit never makes it in until 8:20 at the earliest. By which Time me and the other girl have 12 babies by our selves. So today... typical day as always except she doesnt come in at all... not only that but neither does the 9 am assistant! Great... 16 babies by 9am and only 2 grown ups! After we finally got some help I guess my coworker blew up at my boss about how it is unfair that we get no warning that people arent coming in and that we will be by our selves... that people never come in on time and we are always out of ratio. I left early today... Too tired and still dont feel good!
Brian was supposed to leave yesterday but ended up leaving today... on my own again. I am so scared that I will lose this one while he is gone just like the last one. On one hand I was glad he was gone so he didnt see me lose my mind but on the other hand I really needed him here when it happened. I am also worried that he will miss something cool... like what if we see a heart beat... poor DH will not be here for that and I know that will make him sad... guess I will have to video tape it! I will write more either after my second appointment or when sometihng happens.
01-2-09 the sickness
So this is much earlier than expected but I beleive the sickness has kicked in. I felt kinda yucky yesterday morning but as the day wore on I felt worse. I woke up today and I feel terrible. I have not thrown up but that is probably because I have not eaten or drank anything yet. Everytime I think of what I will have for breakfast I feel sick to my stomach. I am really really hoping this baby is "the one" because i am only like 6 weeks and already I feel horrible! I can only imagine what the next 6 weeks will feel like! I am very nervous about tomorrow because I go in for another ultrasound to check on the little human to see how its doing. I guess it is cheaper for them to just look at it than to do blood work and they say thats not as reliable anyway. So I am really hoping to see something good tomorrow. Since DH is out to sea I am going to video tape it (if its good news) and I will post it on here for everyone to see. The naval drs dnt give you a copy of the picture so I figure why not take my own pictures!
Anyway I am going to attempt to eat something. I will update after the appointment tomorrow! Wish me luck Ladies!
02-2-09 update on bb 3
The baby has a heart beat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is .41cm long and is 6weeks and 1day old. I could see its little heart moving! It was so amazing... I cried of course! Dr Doekey said the heart rate is pretty slow right now... under 100 but that he is not too concerned because it is still really early and its only .41cm (Thats less than half a centimeter!) He wants me to go back next Wednesday (11 Feb) for another ultrasound to see if its getting stronger. I am feeling really optimistic about this! Number one I feel horrible... all day today and yesterday I have felt sick and this morning throwing up... I have never been more happy to throw up in my whole life! I did not take video footage of it because you could barely see it with the naked eye but I asked if I could for next time and they said yes so I will video tape it next time so you can see how cool it is. I guess I will write more after the next appointment! Wish me and the little human luck!
11-2-09 still going strong
Today was the second best day ever during this pregnancy. Mom came with me this time since Brian is still out to sea. And before the doctor could even say anything we saw the heartbeat and that was it. Mom nearly melted into tears and I just could not stop smiling! The heart rate is in the 120 range... just where it needs to be. Sea Monkey #3 is now 1.1cm as opposed to the .41cm it was on 02Feb09. I now have only a 5% chance of losing this baby! I think I am now confident enough to let everyone know about this one. I guess all I can do is relax, bring on the vomit and wait until my next appointment which is 18 Mar. 09! I will update as things happen... wish us luck, Brian and I are both very happy and nervous still so send us good vibes and all... we will be needing them!
26-2-09 9 week update
I am now officially 9 weeks, almost 10 actually! Brian has been home for a couple of weeks now and I am so happy to have him with me again! I have been extreamly hormonal and probably very hard for him to deal with so I am happy to report that we have not killed eachother yet. I dont know why but there are some days where everything he does is wrong... pushes a shopping cart wrong, drives wrong, makes the wrong face or sound, touches me when I dont want him to... I have o admit I have gone off on him a couple of times and I feel terrible for doing so because its not his fault, I know that its just me being bitchy but I know that sometimes he takes my sassiness to heart. My morning sickness is almost gone. I had a stomach last Thursday (the 19th) until that Saturday but I feel much better. I had a little morning sickness Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I felt sick but didnt throw up. Today I feel great! I even fell like i have a bit of energy. I am hoping that this is just because I am getting farther along and all but at the same time I worry, could the baby have been hurt when I got sick? So really the only symptoms I have now are irritability, some cravings and occasionally sore boobs. I guess I will have to wait and see. My next appointment is 18 March (three weeks from now) and I am super nervous that we will look in and see nothing. I feel like if I can make it past this next appointment and everything still looks ok in there then really there will be no way of losing this one. I know that I will worry until then though.
10-3-09 11 weeks
Ok so here goes another update. Everytime I think I am done with the morning sickness it seems to creep right back up on me! I went through like 4 or 5 blissful, happy, energy filled days of no sickness at all then boom monday morning puking up all sorts of bile (hadnt even had time to get breakfast in!) Though today I have felt just fine! I have however been having the hardest time sleeping! Too hot, too cold, left side, right side, belly, back, half strewn over Brian, two pillows, no pillows, sheet, blanket, three blankets... ALL NIGHT LONG! I am usually in bed around 9 or 10 and then awake at about 1 for an hour or so then back down until about 2 or 3 for another hour then again at 5. Its a good thing Brian is in the Navy and can pretty much sleep through a nuclear holocaust because he never wakes up during all my tossing, turning, repositioning, peeing, getting water, temper tantrums in the middle of the night. And when I finally do sleep I am plagued with crazy dreams! Dreams that either wake me up thinking, "Holy shit what just happened" or dreams that lull me into such a deep sleep that a coworker has to wake me with a text message and ask me why I am not at work yet. My boobs are really really sore today... almost like when I got engorged back in August, I can feel each milk duct just clenching and its killing me! And I really should get a picture of my belly on here sometime soon because it is huge! I have lost 4 pounds since finding out about this pregnancy but my belly has just popped right out and no, I am not pushing it out... I actually try to suck it in and cant. I cant only button one pair of pants and thats the pair my mom gave me (they are size 16!!!) Granted they look huge on me every where else but at least I can button them! The next appointment is on the 18th... only 8 more days... almost a week away! I am currently 11 weeks and about 3 days so I am hoping to see some great things at the appointment. Hopefully the Sea Monkey will be swimming and bouncing like crazy. Brian says it is a boy and I am saying its a girl just to disagree with him :-D but we plan on being surprised so I guess we wont know until September! I will post more after the appointment I guess.
24-3-09 starting over again… again
So we are again starting over. Pregnancy #3 apparently made it to about 8 or 9 weeks when the baby's heart stopped. I went for my 12 week appointment and found out the baby died and had my D&C done that day. It has been almost a week since then and I have to say I am getting really down. I quit my job because I just want to focus on me and I cant stand watching other peoples infants while they work, "Dear Working Moms, Your 8 Week Old has NO BUSSINESS being in daycare... If your career is so important to you, DONT FUCKING REPRODUCE!" Sure I understand the single working moms and all (thats obviously not who brings their children to where I worked)
Brian will be leaving soon, too soon after all of this I think. I am really worried about being alone. I really just need him... I know I have my mom and my sister but it is different. Brian is everything to me, he keeps me safe and sane and I just need him here with me. At first he was having a really hard time but he seems to be doing better which is kinda bad for me because now he is not worried about leaving but I am. He will be leaving soon for a really long time and I am just sad that I wont at least be pregnant by then. Not that I want to concieve right away, But I at least wanted the option... the option to try has been taken away with a stupid deployment. I am really worried that I wont make it through a full 6 months with out him. Especially not now.
Thats it for now I guess... Back to house work and such...
02-4-09 not my day
There really is just not a smily guy as angry as I am right now... where is the smiley with his middle finger up or the one screaming and on fire... thats kinda how I feel. So not only did my cousin think it would be funny to post a "IM PREGNANT!!!!" April fools joke but another one of my cousins posted that she is "going to be a mommy". Ok, I know that the world does not revolve around me and that people arent purposely being inconsiderate but I cant help that it still makes me angry and upset. Am I happy for Heather? No... I am not, do I wish sometihng horrible to happen to her, no I do not... I am just not happy for her and I think that is ok. I am sure a few people will post that I am just being bitter and you know what, YES I AM FUCKING BITTER! I am bitter because everyone else doesnt care, I am bitter because everyone around me has had no problems having children and yet arent married, financially stable or even wanted them in the first place, I am bitter because I have lost 3 of my children in only 7 months and I have NO ANSWERS! I just want to scream I am so angry with everything right now!
And yet I am also extreamely sad today. I find myself still wanting to talk to him but then thinking to myself, he is gone. I am not ready for it to be over yet, I am not ready for him to be gone. I never got to say good bye, I didnt even really get to say Hello. I want it back,, can we start over... please let me start over! I promise I wont get out of bed even to pee or anyhting... I promise I will eat healthy and get my rest and do everything right... I just dont want it to be over! I dont want to say good bye and I dont want him to be gone. I dont undertsand why it has to be this way. I want some answers!
A few people have recomended to name him and to keep the stuff from him and I have decided to do so. From now on he will be called David John Stewart. John for Poppop and David meaning the beloved one. I have not told Brian about this yet but I know he will like the name. Though I know he will never refer to this baby as David... I will know that he has a name and still means something to me. He was not just a "pregnancy" He was alive and had a beating heart and I still love him! I got a little box for the pictures and such and I painted it and all. It wasnt easy, it took forever to pick out the right box and it still doesnt seem to be just right but it will do.
Today has been the hardest day since March 18th when I found out he was gone. Not sure why today has been so bad it just has been. I feel like I have been crying all day. I just dont want to be brave today... I just want to remember him today....
11-4-09 being courageous
So today I did something big! Most of you know Brian is a submariner in the US Navy... well if you dont know about how it all work s I will try to explain. The guys leave (only boys on subs so only wives at home) and the wives get together once a month to plan stuff... parties, packages, cards, games and such its called the FRG. I was super involved the last time Brian was deployed and I loved it because I love planning and all that. Another vocabulary word for you is Ombudsman... this person is the liason between the boat and wives, sure we could all do the foot work and find out dates and other important info but instead we have one person to do it for us... this person can get in contact with the boat quicker than the rest of us so if we have an emergency we tell her, she relays it to the boat, because of this everything you tell her is confidential. OK, not that you know what I am refering to let me start my story......
A long long time ago, I attened every meeting and always came up with the cool crafts and cheap ways to cut corners, then I miscarried... every boat wife knew I was pregnant because I was one of the first to get preggo after their last deployment. The ombudsman was told of our tragedy who then passed on the message to the boat, she then also passed on my news to a few of the wives and then informed me of a few wives who have been through what I had just been through. I felt so betrayed and like my life was just wide open for everyone to see... this all happened like 2 days after my D&C... so a billion, "Sorry for your loss" phone calls I DID NOT NEED!!! I felt comepletely embarrased, naked in front of every other boat wife... i felt like they were all secretly talking about me "You know, Stewart's wife lost the baby....". I vowed to never show my face at a meeting again for fear that the other wives would treat me differently and such. My troubles with the Ombudsman have gotten worse and I dont really care because I dont talk to her anymore, the next time something happens I will go straight to the source myself... no middle man needed.
Anyway, my major accomplishment today was that I attened the meeting! I made suggestions and decorated cards and really enjoyed doing all the boat stuff again. I did have a few of the wives ask me if I knew what I was having (I guess they found out about my most recent pregnancy) and I was crushed, though I managed to not cry. My arch enemy was there but I paid her no attention what so ever. I am very prouod myself!
Thats all for now... thought I would share my little accomplishment with you all!
12-4-09 screw courage
So here I was all proud of myself for getting back into the world only to have it completely shattered! After going to the meeting yesterday I felt sorry for a comment I said to the FRG president so I thought I would email her and explain my reasons for not attending meetings regularly... I told her about my losses and I told her about how the Ombudsman told the other women and how that made me feel. She called me shortly there after because she wanted to explain. Apparently she thought I was reffering to something else and explained to me the reason the women knew about my miscarriage. There was a list in January of all the pregnant women on the boat (a list that I was on though I did not know about) This list was for the FRG to know who was due while the boys would be gone so they could make cakes and such for the women near their due dates. The day after my D&C was the Predeployment night and all the women and some of the men were there to talk about stuff we need to get ready for. Somehow the pregnant women list was brought up and the Captain told the women that I needed to be taken off the list. I am not sure how he could have done this in a better way, maybe only take one or two of the women aside and tell them... I dont know... either way it is still completely wrong for him to have done that. My personal life is just that! PERSONAL! I silently sobbed on the phone with this women as she explained all this to me... I didnt want her to know how upset I was, after all it was not her fault. This was the first time I had heard of this... I knew they knew about my first 2 losses because the Ombudsman told everyone... now I find out the Captain told everyone about the last one! After geting off the phone with her my emotions just burst... I mean completely burst!I have never had a panic attack but I assume that is was happened last night. I shook almost like having convulsions.... the shaking went from bad to better to worse to bad to better and back again. And I could not physically breathe.. it was like my lungs were closing in. I have a history of self mutilation and my knife just so happened to be on the oposite end of the table just mocking me and that made the attack worse. I know how upset Brian would be if I hurt myself but I have this compulsion that I can not avoid. I ended up taking my last percocet form the D&C and after about 3 hours was able to fall asleep.
I feel much better now as far as the panic goes but I am still very upset and feel betrayed by my husbands command. I will be writing a letter to the Captain and I would hope that this situation never happens again. As for the meetings, maybe now I know why all the women stared at me and asked how I was... you know that kind of how are you after something terrible happens. How nieve was I to think they didnt know about David. Needless to say I will never attend another FRG meeting again. So much for courage.
16-5-09 getting back to normal
Hello Ladies!
It has been a while since I have written one of these, mostly because DH and I took an AMAZING vacation! It was pretty unplanned... DH got his leave approved and we took the first plane out of the US.... that plane just so happened to be to Germany! We spent a little less than 3 days there while we waited for a flight to Scotland. We went to Scotland for almost a week and spent the whole tiem with my family. I have missed them so much and it was so nice getting to see them again and seeing where my great grandmother grew up. DH and I are the first of my family to "go home" so to speak and so we were like royalty there... It was wonderful! Then we took another plane to Spain to see DH's father. Lets just say that we really could have done with out the spain trip....
It was like a horrible ending to an awesome trip and almost ruined the whole trip for me. I speak enough Spanish to get me by but maybe not enough to explain to my step mother in law my feelings. We went during the feria which is like a weekend long prom for older people with a carnaval on the back for the kiddies to play wile the mommies and daddies get wasted... Anyway, its big deal to my MIL. The first night was nice... we had a good time. The second night my MIL pointed out every cute baby in Feria clothes and then we went into one caseta and she wanted me to sit in one seat that was right next to this baby pram and I just got overwhelmed. Its hard to explain.... some days I am great around babies... it used to be my job and then other times seeing them crushes me. So despite my best efforts I started to cry... my MIL then yelled at me (in spanish so I could really only understand "stupid" "bitch" "ruin my night") Which onyl made things worse. DH and I left the room for a few minutesso I could relax and when we got back I tried to explain to Cristina why I was crying and she only got more angry with me. I really tried to keep it together and then my FIL touched my hand, I know it was to calm me but it only made me worse and I told him I wanted to go home. It was Saturday and though we were supposed to stay until Monday I wanted to leave right then and there. Brian and I went back to their house and slept for the night. In the morning I was not very talkative... I was still upset, I was just hurting... It was one of those days where I kept thinking of my babies, how much I wished David were still with me. This onyl pissed my MIL off more. I tried to explain to here how I was feeling and all, with out having to involved my FIL (these are girly things anyway) And all Cristina kept saying was "pero, estas joven" (but you are young) and I kept trying to explain that "edad no importa" age is not important.... three of my children are gone, It does not matter how old I am. I am sad because my children are dead... not because I dont have any children. I have three children, they just are not alive. So Spain was one big awkward mess.
I am so happy to be home and back to normal. DH went back to work today and we will finally get back into our routine. I have eaten like a cow the whole time we were away mostly out of boredom or because family wanted to feed us and all... so today I fast! I need to get back into my cleaning and cooking schedule. And I would be cutting my grass if it wasnt raining. And I am really trying to get out of this funk, it started in Spain and everytime I think I am going to be ok and have a good day something happens and I just melt. Mothers Day at the food store the check out girl asked if I was a mother because she wanted to wish me happy mothers day and I first told her not anymore... When I started to cry DH looked at me and I could see his face hurt so I went on to explain that I have three children who are no longer with us. It almost makes me feel bad for the other person, its not her fault, she was just trying to be nice and here I am making her feel bad for me which I dont want.
As far as TTC goes... I am on CD 22 and I am pretty sure I ovulated a day or so ago. Boy I am such a late O'er! My cycles are typically 35 days or so so I guess ovulating on CD 20 isnt so bad... We did not BD as much as normal this cycle mainly because of the vacation but we did BD a lot during the extra fertile time. I cant tell exactly if DH is just tired or if he does not want to try this month... He knows hat if I dont get a BFP this month then we will be putting TTC on a 6 month or more hold. Last night I tried to get him in the mood and he didnt seem interested so I asked him, "do you not want to conceive right now or are you just tired" his responce, "I dont care if or when we conceive, I care if we have a baby. I dont want to keep losing babies. I want to find out why it keeps happening before we get pregnant again". This was the first time DH has really said anything like that, its usually, "what ever you want" or "I dont care". So I almost dont know how to feel about his comment. I am going to try my best to be worry free and not care what happens this cycle. Either we get pregnant and hope all goes well or I dont get pregnant and I focus on my health and getting my body back. My friend who has also had a m/c and I decided that we will take the stripper work out classes... those Carmen Electra tapes... Flirty Girl... belly dancing... what ever it takes to be "sexy bitches" for when our DH's come home!
Anyway so thats my plan I guess... thats my update... I hope everyone is well. I hope all my TTC-ers are well, I sprinkle you with much baby dust, to all my recent BFP friends many congrats to you, all my Preggo girlys good luck, and to all the new mommies I hope you are getting soem sleep! I love you all!
23-5-09 pregnancy 4
Important Dates
22May - BFP/ HCG 27
29May - HCG 404
Ok Ladies, Pregnancy #4 has officially started. I am going to use this blog mostly for my own updates and so later I can post it on my myspace later. This time around I am really going to keep the pregnancy secret until at least 12 weeks.... maybe even later.
23 May 2009
Yesterday I could not wait any longer and despite my own better judgement took an at home test. Brian was sitting on our bed making fun of me and I said, "negative... like I thought" but after walking back into our bedroom ans looking closer at it I began to see the other line. I handed it to Brian and he at first told me I was crazy and seeing things. Then when he saw it he said but what if its not right... I had been carrying that test around for a while so it could be broken. I dropped Brian off at work and then went to the clinic. I just so happened to run into Dr. Dahlke, the doctor I have been seeing since January. We made small talk then I told him about my at home possitive, he ordered a quantative hcg test and then told me that all of my blood work from the last miscarriage came back normal. So I have no answer for why we lost our last baby and I have nothing to really change. After my second hcg test on Thursday I am going to suggest that we check my other hormones... progesterone and all. Brian leaves for deployment very soon so I will be alone if I miscarry again and that will suck but I am just ahppy to have the chance to be a mommy again so soon. If all goes well we should finally have a baby to hold in January 2010! So far I have nothing to report for symptoms. Three days ago my boobs hurt a bit and lately I have just been a little extra sleepy and have a bigger apetite. My starting weight is 169 pounds (high I know... we just got back from vacation so I cant be mad at myself!)
27 May 2009
OK so first official symptom I guess... my left boob is KILLING ME! My boobs have now been through the growing, engorged, and shrinking phases three times. Back to growing I guess! BRING ON THE GIANT BOOBS! I am still super sleepy but I have a tough time falling asleep at night, mind racing-cant get comfy. The dreams are also getting interesting weird and so vivid! Last night I dreamt I was babysitting 4 kids, two were like pre teens... I turned away for like one minute and they uprooted a potted plant and put it in a coffee cup and the other older girl made a drink with vodka! Then the parents came home while I was replanting the plant and trying to dispose of the alcohol. So weird! I am having the HCG tested again on Friday Lets hope for something over 200!
29 May 2009
Today is a bittersweet day. Brian has left on his deployment so the Sea Monkey and I are on our own. So we are sad to have to see Daddy leave us but we are happy because we had our beta hcg tested again and we are now at 404! The soreness in the boobs comes and goes... Sometimes I dont feel anything at all but then other times I want to scream! I have been getting just a bit nervous though because I have been feeling almost like its the day before AF is to arrive. Not crampy but just that feeling in the pit of my uterus. It is just a little worrying because that is how I felt for my second m/c. I am trying to just ignore it and hope for the best. Since Brian is gone I will be able to rest a lot more. The last few days have been hectic, trying to get everything together and all so I am ready to just relax and take it easy. It is also going to be a little harder than I thought hiding this from my mom. I keep wanting to say something but I know that in the long run it will be better to wait. Well... until next time I guess!
4 June 2009
So its the day before my first scan and I am DYING! I am getting paranoid and wishing that I was back where I belong with either my 3 month old, being due in a couple of weeks or being in the 23rd week. I am just scared that I will never be a Mom. I wish we were doing more to make this pregnancy different. I know that I cant change anything that is going to happen but I just cant help but wish I could have control over this. I really dont want to lose another baby especially not while Brian is away. I just want this so bad! I know I need to relax but I am finding it so hard to just stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I dont have many symptoms, my levels are low, we arent doing anyhting different this time. I just know that if I dont see something good tomorrow I am going to be crushed. I mean even if I see something good it still doesnt mean anything... Last time I saw a heartbeat twice and only had 5% chance at a loss and it still died. Its just going to take forever for me to finally not be worried! Is it tomorro yet? Is it week 23 for that matter?
5 June 2009
Ok, so I went to my appointment and I am not sad but not as happy as I could be. It seems that I may have ovulated late so there was not much to see. I was actually assuming that I would not see much today. There was really only a sac so far... no fetal pole yet. The doctor seems confident that things will still prgress as normal... just need to wait and see. He ordered another blood test for me but he said he probably wont get the results before he leaves for the day. I may just call the nurses station and see if they are still there and can help me. It would not be easy for me to make it through a whole weekend with out knowing the numbers. I am hoping for something in the 3,000 range. He scheduled me for another appointment on the 16th of this month. So hopefully we will see more then. I will update later when I know the blood test results.
UPDATE
So it looks like [regnancy number 4 is coming to an end. My blood tests came back at only 800 when they should be around 3,000. I am crushed and feel so alone. I wish Brian was here with me. I am sick and tired of this happening. I just want things to be normal. I want things to work the way they are supposed to. I dont want to go through this again. Especially not with him being gone. All I can do is wait until Monday to hear back from my dr and we will see where to go from there.
16-6-09 focusing on me
Hello Ladies!
This will be my last blog probably for a while. DH is off on deployment so we will not be TTC for a while. And after losing baby #4 I just need a break from thinking about babies and pregnancies and hormone numbers and what not. I am still bleeding as a result of my most recent m/c. I keep thinking that I should be done but then I pass a huge clot and for the rest of the day I am still bleeding bright red. I am trying to keep active to be sure I pass everything... I mean jogging always helped when I got AF so I hope it will help speed up all this.
I plan on taking the time that Brian is gone and using it to better myself. I bought the Wii Active game to try because I couldnt decide on another at home work out video... I have to say that I was impressed by the intensity and amount of fun I had while DEFINATLY burning some calories. If you are thinking about getting Wii Fit or another work out game for Wii, I SO recomend you try Active. I have the next few months to get my body back and to get completely healthy all over. I have started a fast to cleanse myself but I will only be fasting for a couple of days, I am sure I will do a better fast later but I have a lunch date on Wednesday and I am so going to have a Chicken Salad Pita! I just want to cleanse my whole life... I guess really I just want to start over.
My doctor has been pretty supportive and is willing to do anything to help Brian and I become parents. There are really only two more things to test for and since Brian is away we may not be able to do the chromosone check but I am still looking into that. The doc on the boat said he would draw the blood and send it so maybe we will go with that. The only other test is the HSG. From what I have read and what the dr told me they will put a catheture type thing into my uterus and inject it with dye. They typically do this test to watch the dye go through the tubes to ensure the tubes arent blocked, which we all know is NOT my problem as we get pregnant very easily. So instead they are going to take xrays to check for an abnormality in the lining and shape of my uterus. They have to do this a week after AF so when I get AF (in 4-5 weeks hopefully!) I will email the dr and he will schedule the procedure. He says there is some discomfort but I will be awake and not given anything. My friend said that it hurts more afterward than it does during. The dr said if we do see an abnormality then they will put me under and use a camera to see the extent of the abnormality and if it is something they can fix.
So that is where we are now. I am taking a break and I am sad to do so because I love you all so much and I am so happy to have gotten to know you all. I wont be gone forever because I know I wont be able to resist checking in on everyone. But for now I will be having nothing but me time! If you want to keep in touch with me you can still message me and I will get back to you when and if I log on. I will be back to update you all on the results of the HSG. I am hoping that I will be back officially sometime in early winter. Good Luck ladies, baby dust to you all!
14-8-09 one year
One year ago today I took a shower in antibacterial soap.
One year ago today I put on comfotable clothes and made my way to the hospital.One year ago today I sat in a waiting room for several hours trying to smile because I didnt want everyone around me to cry.
One year ago today I put on a green and blue hotpital gown with broken buttons.
One year ago today I sat in a chair and had blood drawn and answered a million questions I never thought I would have been asked in my life.
One year ago I layed on a hospital bed in a pre-op room with my husband who tried everything he could to make me not sad.
One year ago I told the doctor to please not break me because I want to be a mommy someday.
One year ago I saw pain and sadness in my husbands eyes that I had never before seen as they put in my IV and started the drugs.
One year ago I woke up and she was gone and I was in pain and all I could do was cry.
One year ago my husband could not be there when I woke up because he was closing on our first house.
One year ago today I slept in the back seat of Brianna's car and ate Sonic french fries on the way home. One year ago I could not wait to be in his arms because I knew that was the only place that I would feel safe again. One year ago today I slept on the fold out sofa at my Mom's house because our new house was not ready.
One year ago today my life, my perception of life, and the way I live life changed forever.
I want so badly to go back to last year before all of this and just be happy again. It has been a whole year and still I have no answers, I have no baby, I have no cute pregnant belly. But I do have husband who I have never been closer to, who is my reason for living, who was the only one who made this year livable, who has done everything in his power to make me happy and who has been the only one who has been able to comfort me when I have not been happy. I have gained a deep appreciation for life and just how precious it truely is. I have had my good days and I have had my bad days. I have lost friends and have stopped talking to family members because of this. I have made a great deal of friends who have been where I have been and I love every one of them. One year ago today I lost my first child and I never thought that I could ever go through that pain again and yet here I am still alive, still able to smile at the small stuff and I have now lost 4 of my children.
So happy birthday Josie, Mommy loves you.
One year ago today I put on comfotable clothes and made my way to the hospital.One year ago today I sat in a waiting room for several hours trying to smile because I didnt want everyone around me to cry.
One year ago today I put on a green and blue hotpital gown with broken buttons.
One year ago today I sat in a chair and had blood drawn and answered a million questions I never thought I would have been asked in my life.
One year ago I layed on a hospital bed in a pre-op room with my husband who tried everything he could to make me not sad.
One year ago I told the doctor to please not break me because I want to be a mommy someday.
One year ago I saw pain and sadness in my husbands eyes that I had never before seen as they put in my IV and started the drugs.
One year ago I woke up and she was gone and I was in pain and all I could do was cry.
One year ago my husband could not be there when I woke up because he was closing on our first house.
One year ago today I slept in the back seat of Brianna's car and ate Sonic french fries on the way home. One year ago I could not wait to be in his arms because I knew that was the only place that I would feel safe again. One year ago today I slept on the fold out sofa at my Mom's house because our new house was not ready.
One year ago today my life, my perception of life, and the way I live life changed forever.
I want so badly to go back to last year before all of this and just be happy again. It has been a whole year and still I have no answers, I have no baby, I have no cute pregnant belly. But I do have husband who I have never been closer to, who is my reason for living, who was the only one who made this year livable, who has done everything in his power to make me happy and who has been the only one who has been able to comfort me when I have not been happy. I have gained a deep appreciation for life and just how precious it truely is. I have had my good days and I have had my bad days. I have lost friends and have stopped talking to family members because of this. I have made a great deal of friends who have been where I have been and I love every one of them. One year ago today I lost my first child and I never thought that I could ever go through that pain again and yet here I am still alive, still able to smile at the small stuff and I have now lost 4 of my children.
So happy birthday Josie, Mommy loves you.
08-9-09 hsg
So Here goes! I got up and showered and it was raining so hard that my dogs wouldnt even go outside to go potty. I wore PJs cause the thought of wearing jeans after having something shoved into my hoohaa was just too much. There was lots of flooding on the road ways and all I could think was, "Please God, let me catch a break for just today, please let me get to the hospital!" So I got there and I went to the lab to take the stupid required pregnancy test (supposed to do it yesterday but there were closed!) so went and did that and found radiology and talked to the receptionist who informed me that my appointment was pushed back due to a malfunction with one of their xray machines.... GREAT! I had already taken the mortin the dr told me to take 30 minutes before my appointment! I hadnt had breakfast and was starting to feel a little yucky so I went to the little coffee place for a bagle but the bagle was only $1.50 and they had a $3 limit on credit cards so I bought coffee for a bunch of other people. (done my good deed for the day!) I ate half of my bagle and then I fell asleep in the waiting room... it was 10:15 when she brought me into the room. It looked like a room out of a horror video game that took place in a mental hospital. So I instantly got nervous but after chatting with the nurse and meeting the dr, I felt better.
:::::::TMI ALERT!! TMI ALERT!! DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU WANT TO HEAR ALL THE YUCKY DETAILS THAT GO ALONG WITH AN HSG::::::
So I get in my little gown and then get up on the table and first I get "cleaned" with yucky, freezing stuff (made me jump!) first just on the outside and then he put in the speculum and inspected my cervix (said it looked good, awesome since I was nervous about that bump I had been feeling) and then he cleaned my cervix with the same cold stuff which really made me jump and was pretty uncomfortable (I mean come on, DH hasnt been home for almost 4 months and DH is the only thing that goes in there so I guess I just wanst ready for any prodding, even if it was only a q tip!) We were laughing because I made the comment that it must be easier to be a lady dr now that shaving is in style (if I had more hair it would be all crusty from the cleaning soulution) So the laughing helped me to relax a little more. The nurse said she had had the HSG done before so that also helped. The dr recomended that I put my hands above me and hold the pillow since I wasnt aloud to put my hands anywhere near my hips (unsanitary) He gave a little warning and put the cathedar into my uterus. LOTS OF PRESSURE LOTS OF CRAMPING.... its like your body is trying to tell your brain "Hey somethings going in a hole that it shouldnt be going into!!!!!" Then he had to inflate a balloon on the tip of the cathedar to keep it in place. He took out the speculum and I slid up onto the table. It was no where near period cramps because period cramps dont happen (at least not to me) on the cervix! We watched everything happening on a monitor, pretty cool! You could see that the cathedar was close to the top of my uterus and he injected just a little (now that felt like a period cramp) and it spilled out of my tubes (he took a picture) then he injected a little more and we saw more of the shape of my uterus and more dye wehnt through my tubes... I always wondered about the pictures they show you in school about what your tubes and all look like. I always thought the ends of the tubes, where the overies are, looked like little hands holding the overies... and they really do! He pulled the cathedar out a little and injected a little more dye. The shape of my uterus was very clear and to me looked like it should have and according to the dr was "almost too perfect" He commented on the shape and on the size saying both were great. He took out the cathedar (THANK YOU!!!!!!) and then he reviewed the photos he took and commented on each one, "tubes look nice and open and normal, uterus is the perfect shape and just the right size I would expect" but then he pointed to a white spot, an area that the dye did not fill because obviously something was there. He said it wasnt an air bubble (if it had been it would have floated to the top or moved around when he moved the cathedar) so it had to be either a polyp or a fibroid. He said he would pass the results and findings onto my normal OB and he recomends that I have an ultrasound to get a different perspective and angle on the polyp/fibroid or whatever.
SO, of course I have already done some digging and have found that 20-50% of women will get FIBROIDS in their life time and of those, only 5% will lose a pregnancy as the cause. Fibroids are generally on the outside (so this may not apply to me because my white spec was clearly on the inside) There are a few ways to remove a fibroid but only a few that are safe for pregnancy later on. Then I looked into POLYPS... these can be just as common but actually seem to cause miscarriages more than fibroids do because generally they are on the inside of the uterus. The can sometimes act as an IUD would and could prevent implantation or could cause bad uterine circulation (weird because those were the exact words of the chiropractor the other day!) Polyps can be removed in a procedure similar the the HSG and most testing and experience shows that after a polyp has been removed the "infertility" issues seem to lessen as well.
So I am feeling pretty good about this as of right now. No major abnormalities and yet, there is still a possible answer for why I have been miscarrying. I am pleased so far! I truely hope that this was the reason for my miscarriages and I truely hope that we can fix it so it never happens again! Thank you God, for finally giving me somewhat of an answer!
I am still feeling a bit crampy and my urethra is killing me (why hasnt anyone redesigned the speculum yet???) Its a good thing I have the antibiotics otherwise I'd get a UTI. I think I will stay in for the test of today. Tomorrow is beach day with my sister though if it is as yucky out tomorrow as it was today then I think we will still get together and maybe we can belly dance like old times... hopefully tomorrow I will feel back to normal and will have enough strength to get back to my work out/ healthy living routine!
Thanks for reading guys... I love you alllllll!!!!!!!
02-10-09 consult
OK, so today was my appointment with the dr... in short, I have no answer for why we have lost four babies and I never will. We talked about my HSG results and he says that the bump that we saw was maybe 2mm and probably just a flake left over after AF or something. We talked about all of my blood test results from back in May and how everything, blood clotting, thyroid, everything is normal. So there is nothing absolutely nothing wrong with me. Nothing to fix, nothing to change, nothing to do differently, nothing to try... just nothing. I am perfectly healthy, things are shaped right, sized right, things are open like they should be, blood is completely normal. He said that after all we have been through that I deserve to at least have the bump looked at though he is almost certain that since this AF it will be gone and there will be nothing in there. So I will go in on either the 23rd of this month or 10th of next month to have him look at it with a camera and if there is something in there they will remove it.
I just feel terrible. I just wanted something, something we could fix. There is NO reason, not a single glimer of a reason for any of my losses. What the hell does that mean? How many times am I going to have to do this? I feel like I will never have a child. I am doomed to spend the next 10 years getting pregnant and losing every single one. I wonder when it will be too much. When will I give in and just stop? How many times can I seriously go through this with out losing my mind?
15-11-09 the great Euro-trip
Hey Ladies!
So the Eutotrip started with a free military flight to a small base in Germany. We were told when we got there that we had to find a way to get to the other airport on our own. So the next morning we took a short cab ride to the train station and then a train to the city and then the following morning we took a bus to the airport. We flew to France and then had to take a train to the city the guys were going to pull into. We were there from Wednesday until Saturday when the guys came. It was like an eternity waiting for them!!!!! Then when we finally saw them they were stuck on the other side of the gate and we couldnt get to them for what seemed like hours but was probably only 5 minutes. We were jumping up and down and being all crazy but they guys had to have their game face on and not be silly like us. That first hug and kiss was just so magical! We practically RAN to the hotel and I'm sure you all know what happened next (ahem... 4 times) We went to Nice the next day and it was the most romantic place I had ever been to in my whole life! We got there around 4 ish and we found this great hotel on the beach and we got a great oceanview room. We walked down the beach for like 3 hours and watched the sunset. It was the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen! We walked back and ate at this adorable cozy little restaurant and it was just too romantic and I cried almost everytime I looked at my husband. Just to be with him, right there, right then... I was just so over come with a joy I have not felt in a long long time! The next day we walked all over the city and hicked up this mountain... the views were incredible! We ate at the same romantic restaurant that night and the next day we went back to where the guys boat was. We hung out and kinda just enjoyed being with eachother for that last day. Wednesday Brian dropped me off at the train station and we headed back to the airport to get back to Germany. We went to a different base and tried for 3 days to get home. There were lots of other people trying to get home so we got bumped a lot. The first flight we were able to get was Friday at noon (germany time) it was a 6 hour flight to Newfoundland and then a 4 hour flight to North Carolina. We had to take a 3.5 hour $330 cab ride! It was almost 2am when I got to my house. There had been really bad rain with some flooding the 2 days beforeI got home and so my pet sitters couldnt get to the house to let the boys out for 48 hours. There was pee and poop all over my kitchen but I couldnt blame them but it took an hour to clean up after them. Then yesterday I had to go and get my car from Deleware. So today is the first official day not on vacation and what not. I need to do so many things before DH comes home! Well, I better get to it! Thanks for being here ladies. It will take a while to catch up with everyone so bare with me! LOVE YOU GIRLS!!!
21-12-09 need strength
Today has been a pretty hard day and it has just been really hard to get through. I am really feeling hopeless now and I just dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to try, I dont want to see drs, I just dont want to do this. I am just so tired and drained. Why do I have to fight this hard? I dont understand why all of this is so difficult. The last few months I discovered that I have an LPD. Is it new, have I always had this, I dont know. Could this be the cause of any or all of my miscarriages, again, I dont know. Three weeks ago I told my dr about this and over two weeks ago he said he put in a referal to an REI for me. I have spent the last two weeks calling my insurance comapny over and over and over to find out if it has been aproved only to find that they havent gotten it. Today Brian called the OB clinic at Portsmouth (The Naval Hospital) and was told that the referal was aproved a while ago and sent to their in house fertility clinic. No one eve told me any of this... why do we have to call and find this shit out for ourselves? So we call the fertility clinic at the Naval Hospital, the receptionist is on vacation and she gives you a number to call but says it so fast you have to listen to her voice mail 8 times to decifer the numbers only problem is that getting through to her voice mail is harder than winning tickets on a fucking radio station. I called the other number and was sent to yet another voicemail telling me to leave a message and they will get back to me. Brian left a message for me because at this point I was just so upset I didnt even know what to say.
So here I am... wasting more and more time and honestly I dont even care anymore. I completely give up. I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to cry everyday because drs arent doing their job or because my body is so screwed up. I am just so sick and tired of everything. Vitamins that are said to help, but do they really? Treatments that arent proven by enough drs so many other drs wont try them... I am just sick of it all. I am on CD19 and no sign of ovulation... my cycles lately hardly ever get past 33 days so I know this month for sure will be another short luteal phase. We either, A. wont concieve or will have a chemical pregnancy, or B. have another missed miscarriage or early miscarriage because there wasnt evnough time for the progesterone to build up. I have accepted the fact that every subsequent pregnancy for the rest of my life will end in failure. I have accepted the fact that there is nothing that I can do to fix this. Or that if there were some miracle treatment that could fix this, I wouldnt be eligable for it for some strange reason. I just give up... I dont want to try anymore. I dont want to do anything anymore. I am just crushed. I am so defeated. I will never be a mother.
I may or may not be around here anymore. It just hurts too much. Thank you for being here for me for the last year and then some... I wouldnt have made it with out you.
03-1-09 update and such
So most of you follow my posts on the TTCAL forum but for those who dont (and really for my own records) I wanted to write an update on all things in my TTC life. So to start off I have been tracking my cycle for a few months now and kinda have a good idea of what to expect now. My last cycle had a luteal phase of only 9 days! And the one before that only 11 days. Because of this luteal phase defect I was able to convince my dr to refer me to an REI. It was not easy and the process of just getting the appointment was a pain but I got it done and went to meet and consult with my new dr on the 30th. She is really sweet and I like her a lot. She seems to know what to do and has a pretty good game plan. So since I was already on CD28 and 4DPO there werent any tests to do. She told me that DH has to give a semen sample and we still need to pull his chromosones to match with mine. She did a pap and pelvic and breast exam... been a while since I had all that done... wooosh! Nothing like having a giant q tip rammed up into your cervix! Though I will say she did really good with the speculum... I am usually really sensitive and I hardly felt that. Also if I dont get a BFP this cycle I will be going in for testing on CD3 for progesterone, estridol, testosterone, LH, FSH, TSH, Prolactin and cardiolipin IgG,IgM. She also wants me to go in for a pelvic ultrasound... it will be both TV and TA.
So I have been checking my FF chart over and over and comapring to everyone and just reading into every little thing... I actually forgot what it was like to TTC and live through a 2WW! I mean how rediculous do we get during these times??? I just took an OPK just to see what it would be. IDK whats wrong with me! FYI it was darker than my last OPK but not possitive. Probably means nothing but I am retarded and couldnt not POAS, no matter what kind of stick! Today I am 8DPO my temps have been on a downward turn lately but not dipped below the coverline yet. I want to hold out a little hope just in case. The dr told me that if I get a possitive I will be put on progesterone, but not before getting a BFP. Since my last cycle had an LP of 9 days I plan on testing on Tuesday, the 5th which will be 10DPO assuming my temps dont plummet before then. I only have to wait two days but its horrendous!!!! hence the peeing on an OPK for no reason at all!
So thats it.... thats my update for now... tick tock tick tock... man waiting sucks!!!
27-1-10 finally we have an answer!
Ok Ladies,
Litterally I am writing this on microsoft word so I can copy it and paste it in my blog because I typed it 3 times and each time it got deleted! ARG!!!!! So here goes!
As you know today was my appointment for test results. We werent sure if DH would be able to come with or not but in the end he was able to make it! On the way to the clinic he made me promise that I couldn’t get upset if they told me that everything was normal and that we had to just suck it up. So we got there and we spoke to the nurse and such and then the dr came in. She was an assistant to Dr Shapiro, the US Navy’s one and ONLY Reproducitve Endocrinologist! She was so sweet… She started out by saying, “well your test results are pretty normal, you guys are both pretty healthy” and I thought I would start crying but I remembered my promise to Brian not to get upset and just as I was thinking this she said, “but your testosterone is higher than we would like and we think you have a type of PCOS that is insulin resistant so we want to put you on metformin”. Metformin is typically given to people with type 2 diabedes but they have also put women who have been unable to conceive on it. It has been known to increase chances for conception because it helps to induce ovulation. More recently they have found that it helps reduce the risk of reccurent miscarriage for people with the type of PCOS they think I have. One study found that it can reduce the risk of miscarriage from 50-70% down to only 10-20%! The side effects are pretty yucky bowel problems but they are supposed to go away after a few weeks, after my body gets used to it.I am also not aloud to drink alcohol while taking it so no more wine for me! They are starting me out on one 750mg a day and then I need to increase to 2 pills a day after my body gets used to it.
I got to meet Dr Shapiro for the first time today… this man who I have never met, knew my name and knew all my test results (Numbers and everything!) and knew all about it… it was so nice to not have to explain to someone all over again my problems and such… he was so nice and just wonderful! I instantly felt at ease! He told me that he feels this should really help us out and he feels confident that we will see good results in the very near future. I asked about progesterone for just in case and they said that we can do that if we want but they don’t think it is necisary as my test results on CD3 were normal but if I want to we can and I am sure I will want to LOL Brian asked if we were too late this cycle but the dr assured us that the medicine works quickly and we should be good to try this cycle! I went in thinking I would be blown off again and I got results! Real results this time! OMG! When we walked out Dr Shapiro told us to “Have fun trying!” LMAO so cool!
Two days ago I got my super dark OPK and I have had some pretty good CM for a little while now. I am at CD17 today and DH and I Bded on my possitive OPK day (twice lol) and the day after and we even got in a little afternoon delight today after the appointment before I had to drop him back off at work! And I am sure that we will be Bding every day that we can until whenever lol! DH is going to go on shift work in February so he will be tired and cranky so heres hoping that we were lucky this time around! I am feeling pretty confident now… I am so ready to be a mommy… hopefully tomorrow I will be in the 2WW, but if not DH and I will have fun continuing to “try” LMAO
So that’s it guys! I am pleased and excited! I have been told to take this medicine at night (in hope that I will sleep through most of the bowel issues) so I will let you know how it goes tomorrow! Love you guys so much! Thank you so much for being here for me through all of this for the last 17 months! I would be lost with out you!
02-2-10 update on metformin
Hello Ladies,
I decided to write an update on my treatment with Metformin. It has been a week since I started my treatment and I have to say that I am feeling fantastic! I wanted to thank everyone for your tips and advice on all this, you guys have really been a God send! So heres my little update! Everyone warned me about the side effects and I have to say I was pretty worried about it. A couple days before starting the medication I had a pretty bad stomach bug (ie throwing up and diahrea) and I still wasn’t 100% when I started my treatment. I took my first dose at 8pm on Wednesday. Thursday morning I woke up super bloated and after Breakfast that day I just felt full for the rest of the day… like super super full! The bloating went down later on that day. That night was the boat party and while I did good eating bland non sugary foods at the party, DH and I came home around 1am and ate pizza and icecream! Aproximately 5 hours after going to bed I woke up and got a little sick. More like pooped my brains out! But then I went back to bed and the rest of this week I have been good as gold! I wake up a little bloated, maybe, but I am perfect… I havent had any problems at all! I mean, aside from that one night… Today I have upped my dose. I will from this day forth take one 750mg pill twice a day-8am and 8pm. Its 9am now and I have already taken my morning dose… So I guess in a couple days I will update again and lets hope that the no side effects things stays the same! I am currently 5DPO and had a nice hop in temperature, all the way up to 98.4! I don’t think I have ever gotten a reading that high unless I have been sick! So, while yesterday I was kinda feeling a little pessamistic today I am feeling so much better and more optomistic! I mean right now there is a bit of a triphasic pattern going on with my chart… lets just hope my next couple days stay up in the mid-high 98’s!
I was going to wait until Valentines day to test (if my luteal phase even lasted that long… I think that would be 17DPO!) so I am pretty sure that I will start testing from 10DPO on until either AF or I get a BFP… because I am weak and I am a POAS aholic! So I guess I am looking forward to 5 days from now! LOL I will be 10DPO and at CD28 at 10DPO… weird… I have never been able to test any earlier than CD35! I cant believe I ovulated at CD18, last cycle I didn’t O until CD24!!!! Anyway, wish me luck guys! I am also sending some good vibes to my cycle sisters and my bfp sisters! Love you guys!!!
